Re: What's your take on relationships? Romantic or otherwise.
This is a such a huge topic that I am unsure where to begin. I will start with what comes to mind first.
Shorter Answer:
It is complicated, and depends on the needs and desires of each person. (Lame/Boring). I think relationships are one of the few things that hold universal value and benefit to all people, at any point in time, ever. People are always better off with secure relationships, and care should be taken to maintain valuable relationships.
Longer Answer:
Relationships are the lubricant of daily life. Romantic relationships are the K-Y Jelly of lubricants. Happiness and quality of life depend more on relationships than any single other thing. Many like to say "humans are by nature, social beings." But I don't think that we need to make that sort of textual simplification here. Rather, feel it, using your memory and thoughts. Think about your life, greatest joys from the past, and sources of happiness and positive emotions for your present self. People and relationships likely inhabit areas very near many of those feelings. One should always be open to new relationships, and take care of existing relationships.
Problems that arise between people with relationships should be easily resolvable if all parties are honest enough to a point where everyone involved understands the stakes, each person's value of the relationship. I'm tempted to say that most relationship problems are trivial to a point that they can be easily prevented(or later resolved) with full communication and honesty. Any problem that that cannot be dealt with in this way either requires genuine forgiveness, or is too severe for the relationship to continue.
A few weeks ago I heard a Go master say, "You don't kill groups. You let them die." Deliberate actions should not be made to end a relationship. At worst the relationship should be ignored, and if left that way it can end on its own. But the option should be left for the relationship to be healed by time or other means.
Some interesting articles about how relationships increase productivity and bearability of work:
The Guardian - Friendly Advice
Bostonworks - Pals make work more tolerable
Shorter Answer:
It is complicated, and depends on the needs and desires of each person. (Lame/Boring). I think relationships are one of the few things that hold universal value and benefit to all people, at any point in time, ever. People are always better off with secure relationships, and care should be taken to maintain valuable relationships.
Longer Answer:
Relationships are the lubricant of daily life. Romantic relationships are the K-Y Jelly of lubricants. Happiness and quality of life depend more on relationships than any single other thing. Many like to say "humans are by nature, social beings." But I don't think that we need to make that sort of textual simplification here. Rather, feel it, using your memory and thoughts. Think about your life, greatest joys from the past, and sources of happiness and positive emotions for your present self. People and relationships likely inhabit areas very near many of those feelings. One should always be open to new relationships, and take care of existing relationships.
Problems that arise between people with relationships should be easily resolvable if all parties are honest enough to a point where everyone involved understands the stakes, each person's value of the relationship. I'm tempted to say that most relationship problems are trivial to a point that they can be easily prevented(or later resolved) with full communication and honesty. Any problem that that cannot be dealt with in this way either requires genuine forgiveness, or is too severe for the relationship to continue.
A few weeks ago I heard a Go master say, "You don't kill groups. You let them die." Deliberate actions should not be made to end a relationship. At worst the relationship should be ignored, and if left that way it can end on its own. But the option should be left for the relationship to be healed by time or other means.
Some interesting articles about how relationships increase productivity and bearability of work:
The Guardian - Friendly Advice
Bostonworks - Pals make work more tolerable
posted by Ted Miin at 10/20/2006 02:40:00 AM
2 Comments:
Anonymous said...
My father once said something about a programming teacher after a parent teacher conference.
"Shes like someone who has never been to a party... but has read tons of text books about parties. She knows all the details and the vocabulary terms. But its obvious to anyone who has ever been to party even once that she is clueless."
Reading your post on relationships reminded me of this. Which is not to say you are clueless and have never had a real relationship, but there is a similar feel. You make bold claims about problems in relationships, but to me its like if I were to ask driving advice and you say "Most driving problems are trivial to a point that they can be easily prevented with full attention and observation of laws". Sure, thats probably true. But its also kind of meaningless.
A skillful driver probably wouldn't answer the question by giving you little rules. I would expect him to try to bestow a sense both a sense of danger about driving, as well as share his joy. The logistics will sort themselves out.
You won't become a good driver simply by choosing with a heart full of sincerity to pay attention every time you drive, and no worthwhile relationship can survive on communication and honesty on it's own. Nor can the value of relationships be described by tallying fun. There needs to be a more aggressive drive somewhere, an appreciation of the activity for it's own sake.
Relationships are as natural and essential to a human as consuming water. Use your skills of abstract intellect to locate the water, and relax in being human while the rest solves itself out.
This seems to be an issue that addresses the "knowledge vs experience" contrast. When discussing topics of this nature, especially for the topic of relationships, knowledge, be it based on experience or not, is more easily communicated than experience. The only way anything worthwhile can be said about relationships, short of transferring the mental emotional feelings or discussing in full contextual minute detail very specific instances and issues, is by discussing the knowledge aspect of it. Experience is not as easily communicated, especially not just with text.
I don't see how the statement "Most driving problems are trivial to a point that they can be easily prevented with full attention and observation of laws" can be both true and meaningless. If this is a true generalization that a skillful driver communicated to a new driver, it is valuable and immediately beneficial for the new driver to consider when on the road. All of the items that you discuss that the statement lacks are feelings and procedural experience that the skilled driver cannot practically transfer to the new driver. Maybe he would try to by saying something like "driving can be dangerous, but you should enjoy it" but that's the kind of bold claim that you are denouncing. I would be interested in how you think the skillful driver would attempt to bestow the sense of danger and joy about driving to the other driver.
Nowhere did I claim that a "worthwhile relationship can survive on communication and honesty on it's own." I stated that when problems arise, these are tools for resolution, if not prevention of the problems in the first place. Obviously, worthwhile relationships incorporate more than just these components, like love for example. The generalization of the problem-solving value of communication and honesty was made from very numerous experiences where it was the primary lacking component that caused and escalated relationship problems. And as noted previously, mutual understanding of the value of the relationship is necessary for these components to apply.
I think that the use of the contemporary construct "human" and suggestion that being as such will allow for things to sort or solve themselves out is meaningless and not helpful to communicate to others.
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